


at the loss of words

by faye_C



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Please stay safe, better safe than sorry, he is so in control it's almost OOC, i don't think it's actually that bad but you know, if you have problems with depression, phil is there to safe the day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 08:29:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8742415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faye_C/pseuds/faye_C
Summary: when Dan finds himself unable to deal with  his thoughts on his own , Phil tries to help him - through the door Dan had locked the night before just a bit of angst and fluff I guess? kind of? I don't know, don't judge me, it was late when I wrote this.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Dan is having some thoughts that may be a bit uncomfortable if you yourself are having depression, I only write as an observer so it may be completely different - nothing bad happens though, Phil is there to help him through it.
> 
>  
> 
> also just a disclaimer that this work is not beta'd so there probably will be typos and wrongly used commas, sorry by the way, if you notice anything feel free to tell me (actually, please do)

His thoughts were too loud, way too loud and he honestly didn’t know what to do anymore. Dan was lying on his bed, knees drawn close to his chest; face buried in his pillow and tried to overwrite his thoughts with even breaths. In, out. In, out. But his mind was screaming, yelling and it wouldn’t stop wouldn’t _stop_ , and he was tearing at his hair, desperate to just do _something_ to make it more bearable.

His brain was going at light speed, jumping from one thought to another and that was the worst part of it all, the incapability to concentrate on one thing at a time. It was eight in the morning and he was surprised he had survived the night, but it would likely still be a few hours until his roommate would wake up and he was fairly certain, that every second passing was a second too long. He needed to stand up and call for help and he seriously needed to do it _now_ but his brain wouldn’t let him, and even though he knew he couldn’t do it alone, he doubted he could have spoken a single word, had he had a reason to.

Ah, reasons. Too may, not enough, not enough to really make it worth, to make it count, count in the course of time, when all we are is hardly a fleeting impression, even less than that, a mere glimpse in the infinity that is time, and history and future and all that humans, in all their horridness, would do to the planet, because they were horrible, the most horrific beast to ever walk the face of earth, because that was all they were, beasts, just another species of animals that took one step too far in the evolutionary process, who got too clever and now ripped itself and everything around it to shreds, all the pain, all the suffering humans tended to endure was purely self-inflicted and he was so _weak,_ so _ridiculous_ to give himself over to this malfunction, this fault in the evolution, so completely that he had lost total control over his body, his mind-

“Dan.”, the voice called from the other side of the door and Dan breathed a small sigh of relief. Phil had woken up early today. But he didn’t answer.

“Dan?” the tone grew more persistent, suspicious. “Dan, I need you to answer to me.”

He couldn’t blame Phil for the concern that creeped into his words. This was not the first time, as it was likely not the last, and probably not even the worst. But last night he had thought he still had it under control, that he would be able to deal with it on his own, no need to worry or bother Phil, and had locked the door in an attempt to feel sheltered. All he could muster right now was a tired smile, for his former self, tugging at his lips.

“Dan? Dan! Answer!” there was panic in his tone now, and Dan’s heart ached. Suddenly the situation didn’t seem funny at all anymore and the hazy fog made room for strangling desperation, because he still, he just couldn’t- whenever he tried to lift his arm he was just too tired to actually do it, when he tried to speak, all that came where grunts and hums. So this was a no-speaking day then? He had those quite often, but usually the fog or blanket came to lie on him when he was with Phil, safe on their living room couch, or Phil’s bed or in the kitchen, never alone, it never took him this early. Saying something took a ridiculous amount of will power.

“Yeah.”, was the word he finally settled for, because it was easy and soft and didn’t hurt to say, but he was afraid that maybe it had been too quiet and Phil wouldn’t have heard it. But Phil did hear and a shaky breath came through the door. “Thank God.” Phil grew still for a while, but that was okay with Dan, he was too caught up in his thoughts again anyway. At the moment they were trying to strangle him, to press the air out of him. Where was Phil? He probably had left, maybe for good this time, not that he could have blamed him, really, he was a complete mess, Phil must think he was a total nutter with the way he behaved, probably was appalled or weirded out by him, and how could he not be?

“You can’t open the door can you?” Dan tried to make a noise to signal, no, he really couldn’t, he was currently suffocating, drowning in his own mind.

“Maybe.”, Phil thought loudly. “Maybe it would help if you could talk to me.” Dan shrunk back at the words, recoiled into a tighter ball, trying to shield himself from any further hurt, whilehis brain was already slicing him open. He _couldn’t_ talk to Phil, that was the whole problem, it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t do it out of spite, he-

“NO, Dan, _no_ , that sounded not at all as I meant it, please, oh god, please, I didn’t mean it like that, you hear me? I wanted to say that it could help, if you could tell me what is bothering you, maybe that it would be quieter, okay? Do you have your phone next to you? Is it near enough for you to grab it?” and Dan calmed a bit again. It was Phil. Phil whom he had told about the screaming mind, about the numbness in his limbs, Phil who saw the situation and was able to draw together the dots. Dan slowly turned his head and found that his phone was within his space of mobility. Only seconds later it chimed with a text from Phil.

“Talk to me. What makes you so afraid?”

“That you hate me?”, the text was sent before he could stop it and immediately his mind roared up. From the other side of the door came a strangled gasps, a choke and a watery laugh and Dan could basically see Phil’s expression to all of those sounds, but he didn’t want to think about them. “I swear on everything, Dan, that that is not true, it’s not real, I promise. There is no one I would do more for, than you. I will drag you to the end of time and a bit, didn’t I already tell you?”

And he did, Dan remembered, on a November evening, a few years back, when it had been bad and Dan, despite feeling numb, had a talk day and told Phil about how he legitimately didn’t know how he was supposed to walk to his room that night. Phil had smiled at him, with that goofy wide grin of his, eyes shining and had declared: “No worries. We will get you to bed, if I need to drag you there by your feet.”

“I’m too heavy for you.” Had come the murmured answer.

“Excuse me?” Phil had cried, mock affronted. “I could drag you to the sun. I could drag you to the end of time.”

“That is not a fixed point, it is infinite.”

“Then I will drag you to the end of time and a bit. Is that specific enough for you? Or do I have to scream it loud enough to break the sound barrier, so you understand?” “The sound barrier is about speed, you dork.” And Phil actually managed to put a smile on Dan’s face in that moment. That night he had made it to bed. Since he didn’t feel steady enough on his feet, Phil had just picked him up and carried him to bed.

“I am not going anywhere, you hear me?” Phil said calmly from the other side of the door, but Dan heard the thickness and strain of oppressed tears.

“Okay.”, the word came easier this time.

“I am waiting for you here, and we are just going to write with each other until you trust yourself to open the door. And then I will make you hot chocolate, in a ginormous cup, with marshmallows and I will put you in a blanket in your sofa crease and we will watch anime until our brains come out of our ears and we can’t stand it anymore and then we will go to bed, together, because I’m not leaving you alone for the night again any time soon, and I will definitely remember to make sure your bedroom door isn’t locked anymore in the evening. Why was it locked in the first place, anyway?” and so Dan put the phone on eye level and started typing out a response, clinging onto the words like a lifeline, even though language was nothing but a human construct and actually just random sounds that did not mean anything- he put those words down as well for Phil and sent him anything that jumped him, slowly finding a small smile at Phil’s replies, growing lighter, breathing easier.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
